


strength of will

by autumnchills



Series: basking in the atmosphere [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Christianity, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Moral Dilemmas, Morality, Religious Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:42:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24984763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnchills/pseuds/autumnchills
Summary: It’s not until he has to let go of Buck’s hand that he notices that his own hands are trembling.With fear or anger, Bobby can’t tell.— When Bobby leaves Buck’s side in the hospital after the events of the morning, he goes to the chapel in search of something.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash
Series: basking in the atmosphere [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803712
Comments: 15
Kudos: 174





	strength of will

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place during Chapter 9 of ‘waiting on the sunrise’ — It will not make sense without having read that story first.
> 
> Please Note: No Archive Warnings apply to this work but do apply to WOTS. If you haven't read that story and plan to, please read all its tags.

The emergency room is crowded the way it always is on a Saturday morning in Los Angeles, so he sees the request coming before they ask.

“Sir, we’re going to have to ask that you wait in the waiting room. We have a larger one upstairs near the cafeteria, or the emergency one down the hall.”

“But—”

“Evan will be fine,” the doctor assures him. “We’re going to make sure of that.”

“Buck,” he corrects easily, offering a glance down to said kid. “He prefers Buck.”

Buck, in turn, offers a small smile. For a second, the crease of his skin hides the dark bruises marking his cheek.

“I’ll be waiting. I’m not going anywhere,” he tells him.

It’s not until he has to let go of Buck’s hand that he notices that his own hands are trembling.

With fear or anger, Bobby can’t tell.

He’d seen a lot of things in his life, but never had he been witness to such an event as what had taken place this morning.

It was one thing to hear the story of the child from the apartment fire— about how his father had locked him in a closet and left him to die. It was one thing to see the aftermath of such hatred in this world, but it was entirely different to see someone he views as a son, in the literal hands of that hatred.

Bobby hasn’t really considered their relationship in this light before and wonders if Buck has. More times than Bobby can count, he’d been there for the younger man in a capacity that a parent usually would be. More than once, Bobby had wondered why his parents weren’t there, and now he understood.

So, Bobby didn’t mind if that was how Buck saw him, because it was how he felt about Buck, too. Even if they wouldn’t ever call each other by those familial labels, they would love each other like that.

Which is why nothing could have prepared Bobby for when he walked in on Evan Buckley being strangled by his father.

Listening to the argument and proceeding fight had been painful in its own way. The steering wheel had creaked under his grip in the truck. Athena had only gotten the smallest background information on Robert from Bobby before they were forced to hear everything between the two Buckleys, and the conversation that took place filled in the gaps for her.

Her own hands had been shaky as she called for backup and medical to Buck’s apartment, but she had been a solid rock when she stepped foot into that apartment.

Bobby was thankful for Athena’s presence, for had she not been there, he’s pretty sure Robert would have been leaving in a body bag and not on a stretcher. Or at the very least, it wouldn’t be his heart that put him here.

It didn’t stop Bobby from thinking about it now and, dare he say, hoping for it.

What kind of man did that make Bobby? When had he become someone who wished death upon another?

It was wrong, _sinful_.

Yet, Bobby’s not sure if he would ever regret it, and if by some odd chance, God decided to listen to his prayers today, he wouldn’t regret knowing that he prayed on the man’s demise.

And that settles like hot coals in his stomach, burning and making him feel nauseous all at once. It makes him feel sick that he’s ready to defy his own morals for one person.

Though, Buck isn’t just any person. He’s the kid who’d grabbed on tight and never let go. The kid who’d seen Bobby at some of his darkest times— _knew_ some of his darkest past— and chose to stay.

The whole team was his family and he’d be damned to hell if he _didn’t_ risk it all for them.

He heads to the chapel.

Bobby doesn’t know how long he sits there. He doesn’t pray for forgiveness— Bobby’s not sure this is something he’s ready to ask Him to do, not when he’s not sorry.

Instead, he waits for ease and comfort. He hopes that being here can remind him that he is forgivable, and he seeks peace with himself and his inner turmoil.

He prays for Buck.

He knows the kid isn’t religious, but Bobby wants as much good as he can get on that guy’s side. Buck has a long road of recovery ahead of him, for his body and his soul. He can’t imagine that the time he’ll get off for physical recovery will ever be enough for this trauma, not when the pain runs more than skin deep.

He prays for God to give Buck guidance where Bobby can’t.

****

Athena finds him there sometime later. Bobby’s not sure how long it’s been, though he should’ve been keeping track of the time so that he could visit with Buck the moment he was settled in a room.

He should’ve gone to wait for updates.

“Eddie’s on his way,” she whispers in lieu of a greeting. “Maddie’s still with Robert, as far as I know.”

Bobby hums, accepting her hand as she reaches for his.

They sit in silence for another moment until Athena speaks up again.

“Something tells me you’re not just here for Buck.”

Bobby shakes his head, a bittersweet smile playing on his face. His wife knows him too well.

“I scared myself today,” he admits. He can’t find it in himself to look at her when he adds, “I wished death upon that man. I wanted to be the one to put him six feet under.”

Athena sighs and runs her hand across his shoulder blades.

There are few words of comfort that she can offer him, and Bobby wonders if she might be facing that same conflict.

“Do you think you could have?” she asks him after a moment. “Do you really think you could have killed him? Or did you wish for that because he was putting Buck through unimaginable pain?”

Bobby opens his mouth to respond but isn’t sure he has an answer.

“I think it’s important to remember the difference between wishing someone were dead and wishing you could kill someone,” she continues. “Maybe, to some, there is no difference, but in my line of work, there is a very important distinction.

“I can’t lie and say I’ve never wanted someone dead. I arrest some very awful people, Bobby. People who _hurt_ others simply because they can. I’ve seen people like Robert before— angry at a world that is changing for the better and desperate to take _fixing_ that into their own hands… I’ve seen worse.”

Bobby finally looks at her.

“It’s not in my right to take the life of another human being, nor is it for me to wish one away,” he says. “What kind of Christian man does that make me? What would Buck think of that? How am I any better than his father?”

“Hey,” she calls sharply. “You are nothing like that man.” Athena squeezes his hand and gives it a firm shake as if to jerk him out of whatever mindset he’s in. “You are human. We are all imperfect. And I think that even if Buck knew what you were thinking, he wouldn’t fault you.”

When he doesn’t respond, she brings her hand to his face.

“Bobby,” she calls softly, “what would you have done if I weren’t there?”

“I can tell you his heart wouldn’t be why he’s in the hospital,” he responds readily.

“Seriously,” Athena presses. “You would have had to forcibly remove Robert from Buck. You and I both know that he would’ve fought you, too.”

“That doesn’t justify death,” he says.

“No, it doesn’t,” she agrees. “But Bobby Nash, do you honestly believe you would have gone that far? Do you believe your rage would have consumed you so?”

Bobby sighs and shakes his head. Realistically, he can’t imagine himself killing Robert, no matter how much he had wished for his end. He can’t even imagine hurting the man with his own fists beyond anything in self-defense. Especially not when Buck needed his help.

Bobby didn’t wish pain and suffering upon Robert, he just wanted the pain and suffering that he caused to come to an end.

“No,” he whispers.

“God will not judge you for your impulsive thoughts,” Athena assures him. “He will judge you for your strength to not act on them. He will judge you for your will to help that man when he collapsed, despite the fact that he’d hurt Buck. If he lives, that’s because of you, and if he dies, that is on him and being a man with a bad heart.”

Bobby nods and takes a deep breath. At last, the weight on his chest feels a little lighter.

**Author's Note:**

> So, thought you saw the last of waiting on the sunrise? This idea has been swirling around in my mind for months now, as have other WOTS universe fics. Believe it or not, I do have a sequel in the plans, but whether it ever makes it to your screens is a question of my motivation along with my readers' interest in it. Would you be interested? LMK!
> 
> Please leave comments and kudos, as they always encourage me to write more! If you feel I missed some necessary story tags please let me know what it is I should add. If a tag feels inaccurate, please feel free to let me know about that as well.
> 
> Special Thanks to my beta reader: [Aria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyShipSailsHere/pseuds/MyShipSailsHere)


End file.
